Being Treated Unfairly?
Being Treated Unfairly
If you've ever been treated poorly/unfairly, were you able to determine why? The most common answer I receive when I ask why someone thinks they were treated that way is usually something like......because they are a jerk, a narcissist, rude, stupid, etc. And that may be true. But I've found that some of how we are treated is actually in our control, and possibly even our fault. Yikes.
We Train People How to Treat Us
Let me be clear - I am not victim-blaming or victim-shaming here. Sometimes we are very unjustly oppressed, abused, attacked, fired, spoken down to, etc.
And that is NOT your fault. At all.
But other times, the way people treat us is how we have trained them to treat us. Yup. We train people how to treat us.
Like the boss that constantly texts, emails, and calls us when we are away. The same boss that we keep answering and delivering to on time, no matter how much we have to sacrifice personally.
It is easy to hate that boss. But when we take a look in the mirror - why would they stop? You keep delivering, you keep answering, and you don't enforce your boundaries. You have established a habit of 'boss asks - I deliver'. So it continues.
We train people how to treat us.
Or the family member/friend that always expects you to travel or host or set things up for an event. It is so annoying and inconsiderate! But have you always done it? And have you ever asked them to share the burden because it feels like too much?
Or have you bitten your tongue, smiled nicely, and let the resentment build?
Even smaller examples, like people using nicknames for years or cutting you off mid-sentence every time you are in a conversation. If you keep allowing it, the other person doesn't have any indication that what they are doing is annoying you (even if we feel it is obvious and they should know).
So how can we be treated better by those around us?
CLEAR IS KIND. Express what you want clearly and unapologetically. And then pause. Don't overexplain, don't soften it, don't immediately start hedging.
Use your words and your actions to enforce boundaries around your time, how you will be spoken to, what you will deliver, and how you want to be treated.
And then don't back down.
This can feel REALLY uncomfortable, especially in the beginning, and especially if you are breaking a long-standing pattern. The other person may be confused or even angry at first.
But it is not their responsibility to know how you want to be treated. They are who they are, coming from their own background, doing whatever it is they think is right or what they want.
And the only indication they have that they should change is if you tell them and train them on how you will be treated.
At work, this may be not responding to an off-hours text, or clearly responding that you will handle the issue when you are back in the office on Monday. With family this may be a clear sentence or two on what you will/will not do.
It may be correcting someone when they mispronounce your name. And you may have to do it 2, 3, even 5 times. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. But is it more uncomfortable to just sit there in anger and resentment? Also yes.
I'm bringing this up because I coach women everyday who have a lot of feelings about how they are being treated. But often times, they are not taking any accountability or action to change it.
And again - to be clear - this is not about actions that we don't have control over, including power dynamics that put you at a disadvantage. If you are assaulted on a train, you didn't do anything wrong. If you are insulted by a judge but don't have the right to respond, you don't have control.
I'm specifically talking about consistent relationships and treatment that you are allowing. Stop acting like you don't have any power. YOU DO!
You can use your voice to ask for the respect you deserve, to enforce your boundaries, and to let others know what you will/will not accept.
You can do it kindly. You can say please and thank you. This doesn't have to turn into a really harsh fight or confrontation. Sometimes it will turn into that if the other person doesn't respect what you are saying.
But most times it goes a lot better than my clients think it will. They build up this huge fear and anxiety about saying something to the other person, and then when they do, it is no big deal at all, and it shifts to a much healthier dynamic over time.
Other times clients have to reinforce and restate their desires daily until the other person gets it. If it's been years of a certain pattern, it isn't going to change overnight.
But it is still your responsibility to stand in your power, use your voice, and break these patterns of treatment.
Because in today's busy, divisive, and triggering world - a lot of people are just reacting. They aren't thinking about you at all. And if you let them keep taking it out on you - they will keep doing it. When you stand up for yourself, most people take note.
They realize you aren't someone who will just "take it". They either have to do better or be confronted each time. And most people don't like to be confronted. Many don't even realize that what they are doing is upsetting you.
At the end of the day - I want to empower you to stand up for yourself. You aren't a victim in most of your daily interactions. If you are constantly being mistreated, it is time to take a look at what you are doing about it.
Many relationship dynamics change for the better once one person starts speaking their truth. Some relationships will not survive that truth. Both of those outcomes are worth it.
But I know it is uncomfortable, which is why I am here to support you. If you want help figuring out how to find your voice and use it to your advantage, SCHEDULE A FREE CALL HERE and we can talk through your situation.
This quote really resonates: "Take your life into your own hands, and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame." ~Erica Jong
You have more power than you realize. It is time to use it.
So you can actually enjoy this life you are working so hard for!
Cheers to using your voice,
Sharon
We are stronger together
You deserve to stand up for yourself. And you don't have to do it alone. I help women define what they really want in life, so they can let go of their stressors and feel more joy. It takes time and focus to figure this out, which is exactly why I offer a free, confidential strategy call you can schedule by CLICKING HERE.
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