Fixing After Your Freak-Out
Fixing after the Freak-Out
"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!?!" I screamed at my son as he spilled food all over the floor. I'm a yeller, and as much as I want to say this was a one-off instance, it wasn't. (I can say over the years I scream less as I've gotten a handle on my stress!) But on occasion I still yell when my boys don't meet my expectations, I yell when things don't go smoothly, and I yell a lot more when I'm stressed and at my wit's end - which many of us are this time of year.
After I yell, I feel guilty and crappy and then I'm double-disappointed: upset about what happened and even more upset about how I handled it. But there is a way to short-circuit this cycle of yelling and guilt: with REPAIR. We aren't perfect, but we can fix things after the freak-out in a way that strengthens our relationships.
Making it Right
Becky Kennedy, clinical psychologist and renowned parenting whisperer, has an amazing TED talk on how to repair relationships (CLICK HERE). This is so important because we are all HUMAN, which means we are all going to lose it from time to time. And while yes, it is great to get a handle on your stressors and reduce this type of behavior, the reality is no one I know eliminates it entirely.
The video is 14 minutes but before you decide that is too long - let's talk about what happens when you DON'T repair relationships.
When we yell at children, they internalize that they are "bad" (self-blame). They don't have enough perspective to understand that the yelling is due to that particular instance and that it doesn't define who they are.
When we yell at children, we often internalize that we are bad too (self-blame). We are bad parents, why can't we do better, etc. etc. And if we don't repair the situation, both parent and child hold onto the "I am bad" identity. This erodes self-esteem and increases depression, anxiety, deep feelings of worthlessness, and a host of unhealthy outcomes.
So how do we break this cycle and start repairing after the freak-out happens?
Step 1 - Repair with yourself. You can't give what you don't have. Separate your identity (who you are) from your behavior (what you did). Recognize that you are a good person, who was having a hard time. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. And good people mess up, take responsibility for their actions, and do what they can to make things right.
Step 2: Repair with your child. There is no exact formula, but Becky recommends three steps: a) name what happened, b) take responsibility, and c) state what you would do differently next time.
In my instance, it sounded like "I know I yelled when you spilled your food and I am sorry. My yelling was an over-reaction because I am feeling stressed and tired, and we just cleaned the kitchen. You didn't deserve it, and next time I will pause and give you the paper towels to clean up the mess and we can figure out what to do next together."
That's it. No Academy Award winning speech. Just an honest conversation to help my son recognize that 1) he isn't bad, and 2) I'm human and don't always behave the way I intend to.
Becky also gives an example of what repair is NOT: "I'm sorry I yelled but if you would just sit still in your damn seat you wouldn't have knocked your entire plate over and we wouldn't have food all over the floor."
And while that statement is also true (and definitely the way I used to go about "apologizing"), it doesn't repair anything. It still places the blame for my behavior on my child's actions. Which is completely unfair and untrue. No one else is responsible for my behavior other than me. And I am not responsible for anyone else's behavior.
WE own our behavior. Other people own THEIR behavior. When we don't separate these properly, we end up with a lot of dysfunction, including abused people thinking they caused their own abuse and then perpetuating abuse and blaming others for it.
Break the cycle. Watch the video (CLICK HERE) and consider REPAIR this season. Not just with your kids, but with your parents, partners, colleagues, and friends. Swallow your pride and do the thing that will make a difference in ALL of your lives.
"But what about not yelling in the first place?" - Great question! I am all about addressing the root cause and I help clients reduce stress through healthy boundaries, realistic expectations (of themselves and others), and better ways of moving forward. Schedule a call here and together we can discuss strategy and support.
And while my clients make a ton of progress, the truth is no one is perfect. We all hit breaking points because we are human. And because we are human we need to learn how to REPAIR.
Another amazing thing Becky shared in the video - it is never too late. She powerfully ends the video asking us to imagine how good it would feel to have our parents come and repair with us, and I definitely had tears. (This really resonates for those of us who have lost parent(s) or have strained relationships).
It doesn't matter if you have children or not - learning to repair will help your most meaningful relationships. And THAT will improve your entire life.
The quality of our lives is correlated to the quality of our relationships. Learn to repair your relationships and you'll learn to improve your life.
We have a few weeks left of this year and I'd venture to say it will be the highest ratio of freak-outs per day, lol. It's ok.
Breathe. Forgive yourself. Repair. Repeat.
Cheers to fixing after your freak-outs,
Sharon
PS - Watch the video - it is entirely worth your time, I promise: CLICK HERE
Let's Close this Year...TOGETHER
You are not alone. You don't have to take on another holiday season and another new year feeling exhausted. I help women define what success means to them and achieve it with more joy and less stress. We figure out what's working and what's holding you back so we can adjust accordingly. Imagine feeling fulfilled, happy, AND successful? It is totally possible, with the right support.
The first step is to schedule a free 30-minute strategy session to explore where you are and where you want to be. SCHEDULE HERE. It takes 30 seconds to schedule and will help you move forward. Don't delay! I'm offering discounts to those that schedule this call before the end of December (even if our scheduled call is in January).
Life is too short to stay stressed and stuck. Don't let another season slip by. I've helped so many people reclaim their life. I will help you too.
